Day Sixteen - Tuesday 16th May 2006
Dear P
I had been dreading this day since we discussed your funeral with Bill Boyd ten days ago. Now that it is over, and I have survived, cathartic is the most apt way to describe its impact. That your mum, dad and I spoke with such apparent composure (when we were anything but) leaves me thinking that we did you proud. For the first time in two weeks I am in a state of tainted joy.
It was not so this morning. Wracked by fear ahead of the arrival of your courtege, I tried anything that would take my mind off things. Giving lifts, making small talk, mowing the lawn or simply staring vacantly at the bedroom ceiling.
And before I knew it you had arrived. Black tie on, jacket on, flies checked, alarm on, front door locked and out. Out into the Avenue where family units of neighbour looked on. I could feel their sympathetic eyes staring at me. I am the centre of attention, the grieving husband. It is a miserable feeling and it intensifies as we drive up to Bushbury Crematorium. Here there are hundreds and the sight of so many folk instills real doubt that I can carry things off. These feelings are not helped by an anguished wait,before you are taken into the chapel.
We follow and then shoehorn ourselves, somewhat inelegantly, into the front pew. Either side it's standing room only. Bill was right. The place is packed which is wonderful and dreadful in equal measure. He walks to the pulpit, waits for calm and then begins.
The time races and before I know it, we are through the first hymn. We all sit, bar your mum, who makes her way to the pulpit to read from First Corinthians vs 1 - 13 ".... but if I am without love I am a sounding gong or a clanging cymbal". She is incredible, seemingly so calm and word perfect.
No sooner has she finished than it's me. I know folk are with me but it's still very hard. Every time I have practised my address, I have broken down. I walk to the pulpit, take a deep breath and say "Good afternoon". Mercifully I am in control. There are moments when I feel as if I am losing it, but they pass and before I know it I'm reading the final sentence (go to www.catherinebrennand.co.uk and click on funeral service for my address). And then it's over. The sense of relief is indescribable. There is not a sound as I make my way back to the pew. I place my head in my hands and just weep.
Another hymn; "Love Divine All Love Excelling", before your dad gives his moving tribute, again with such apparent calm. A final hymn, and then the commital and redemption. At previous funerals I have dreaded the moment when the coffin disappears but they've changed the configuration and it is a relief to experience something which is not too harrowing. As your coffin is enclosed I say goodbye, and just weep.
And then we are being ushered outside, into blessed sunshine. Within minutes we are being hugged and kissed by a never ending procession of mourners. The experience is incredible and a couple of days later I write these words:
The fifteen minutes that we spent in the grounds of the crematorium, after the funeral, provided a high that I have never before, nor am likely ever again, to experience. I am not sure what we did today but the way folk reacted to how John, Jill and I conducted ourselves was incredible. It was as if we had touched them in a way they had not been touched before. Warmth, respect and admiration were all evident in their words, handshakes and hugs. However dreadful I had felt in the run up to the funeral, however fearful, all those thoughts and emotions could now be, temporarily at least, laid to rest.
Lest I get carried away, I am only too aware that this inner glow will soon pass as people return to their lives and I begin the struggle of raising two young boys on my own. But I need something to hang onto, something to cherish that will help me cope duing the dark months ahead. The warmth and respect that emanated during those fifteen minutes will be my crutch. Above all else I know that I did the right thing for Catherine. To have no regrets at our parting is a wonderful feeling.
With all my love
M xxx
