Day Fifteen - Monday 15th May 2006

Dear P

We are on the cusp of your funeral and relatives from afar have begun to arrive.  Your cousin's Juliet and Caroline from France, your mum's parents from Lincolnshire, Tim & Shirley from York and Pamela and Keith from Kent. We are all trying to maintain a brave face but it's a sober gathering.  Nobody can comprehend the finality of what has happened. We are all in shock even though we've known that you have been living with this terrible disease for four years. That sense of shock is just further evidence of just how successful you were in preserving an aura of normality, during a time which was anything but normal. What an astounding feat.  

I took the boys to St Michael's Church in the evening to meet with Bill Boyd so that they can say a personal goodbye. He conducted a moving service in which we light a candle for you and say our farewell prayers. They both cry, for the first time in a forthnight. I'm relieved that at last they are able to shed some emotion. 

In the evening I practise my eulogy for the umpteenth time, and for the umpteenth time I start sobbing before I get to the end.  This is not good.  I have decided to give Bill a copy of what I will say, so that if I do break down during the funeral I can hand over to him. For your sake however, I'm determined that it will not happen.

And so to my lonely bed. It sounds terrible but there have been a number of occasions during the last three years when I have thought about your funeral. And now were are all but here.  

Love

M